The Road to Panama: Day 2

Navigating the dock scene in Turbo was as chaotic as I thought. I was hustled into line with other people and it was like getting the last helicopter out of Saigon or something. People rushing to get on boats, shouting in a foreign language I didn’t understand (whoever said Colombians speak the clearest Spanish in South America are delusional) and lots and lots of pushing. An immigration official asked me for my passport. Turns out that I was 4 days over my 60 day time limit to stay in Colombia, something I missed on the embassy website and was definitely not told by the immigration guy when I checked in. Anyway, he makes me take all of my stuff off the boat, I miss my ride and I go with him to the office. I was dead certain about what was going to happen next.

I’m taken to an empty office. The official leads me to his desk, takes his giant gun out of his pocket very deliberately and lays it on the surface next to him so that I can see it. Conversation goes something like this, complete with stage direction:

DAS Douche: You can stay in Colombia only for 60 days. You got here on the 25th of May, so you’re 4 days over. You have to pay a multa (fine).

Me: I didn’t know any of this. No one told me when I came over. I need to leave Turbo today and have a plane ticket from Puerto Obaldia tomorrow, what can I do?

DAS Douche:: You have to get the stamp and pay the fine in Monteria or Medellin (6 and 13 hours, respectively, in the opposite direction)

Me: What?! Really?

DAS Douche:: Yes

Me: I have no more money to travel, what can I do? Can I pay the fine here and leave today?

DAS Douche:: So you want to know if there’s a way that you can leave today?

Me: Yes

DAS Douche: -strokes chin and looks thoughtful- Let me call my boss -takes huge pistol, puts it in his belt and walks out to talk to his boss. Returns a few seconds later with Supreme DAS Douche. Both contemplate me thoughtfully-

DAS Douche:: You can pay the fine here. It’s $100 US.

Me: -laughing- OK. I don’t have that much. Guess I have to go back to Monteria. Are there buses today?

DAS Douche: -Looks at Supreme DAS Douche- Um…How much do you have?

Me: -Takes out 3 wadded up, sweaty, 20 mil notes and slams it on table- This

DAS Douche and Supreme DAS Douche: -Laugh- Ok go ahead. There are still boats going, You can, uh, pay the fine there in Capurgana.

I’ve been tacitly asked to bribe officials so many times now in Colombia that it doesn’t phase me anymore, which is good because I’m sure there’s more to come. The whole Colombian bribe shtick is pretty funny actually.  They always act as if they’ve never thought about a tourist paying a fine outside of the official offices before and that you paying them is a special situation never attempted before in immigration history. It’s funny but I still despise them with a fury that melts faces.

It’s interesting being in this area of the country because not a single white person travels here. I was the only non Colombian on the boat and I was like some kind of circus oddity. A tour group of family and friends filled my small boat and kept yelling at me to pass them water since I was last one in because of the interrogation and had to sit in the front. They also wanted me to take drinks from their cup of Scotch and water. It was 10:30 in the morning, but I only did it to fit in so don’t think I’m some kind of closet drunk. Everyone of them kept asking me if I was in the DEA or CIA. I’m glad my country’s reputation proceeds me. Thank you School of the Americas.

After getting into Capurgana, which is not really as nice as I read but still pleasant, I checked into a hospedaje called Uvito and got a way nicer room than the one in Turbo. There’s not much of a town here or anything to see or do but I did take care of some business (like getting my exit stamp out of Colombia. The guy knew I was over my time limit, scolded me but still gave me the stamp without a bribe. I guess not all Colombian officials are slimy) I leave tomorrow for the last part of this and should be in Panama City by noon. …but I think we all know that won’t happen.